Saturday, March 11, 2006

All That Jizz

wasn't the first adult film I directed, but it was the first I directed based on the choreography of Bob Fosse. There were others, of course, with dramatically different plots--three women spend a few sweaty hours trapped in an elevator with an enthusiastic and open-minded great dane, a bespectacled library patron pays for her overdue book fines the hard way, etc, etc--but with surprisingly similar endings. It was after my eighty-fifth film, Hairy Bottom and the Chamberpot of Secrets that I finally decided to abandon the world of adult films altogether and search for something truly meaningful, some career that would affirm my faith in something or someone besides money shots and fluffers. And so with the residuals from Willy Wanker and the Cocklick Factory I opened an exotic pet store, Bestial Alley, which closed one day and reopened the next as an exotic cuisine restaurant. Have you ever eaten an ocelot? [Hint: Don't.] Then I tried the next obvious career path: ventriloquism. Six nights a week at the Day's Inn in Kankakee, Illinois, opening for Dexy's Midnight Runners, which was quite ironic, I thought, as my first film was called Come on Eileen. My dummy (sorry--they prefer to be called 'vocally-manipulated mannequins') was a puppet I named Misty Fisty, who I found in one of the aisles at the Safeway. Someone had just left her in a shopping cart, which I thought was strange, but hey--free puppet. Just as the act started to catch on, so did Officer Rhodes of the Kankakee Police Department. A simple mistake, really. After prison I considered joining the National Guard but figured on the safer alternative of working at the Laura Bridgman Memorial Target Range for the Blind in Hanover, New Hampshire. I changed the targets and filled the clips, but mostly I just took cover in between dressing wounds. And then, of course, it dawned on me that amidst all this skeet shooting was the perfect porn scenario and the resultant film classics Lust is Blind and Hell in Color signaled the glorious and triumphant return of this most lost and lurid soul.


Copyright 2006 max jukes and Brian Edward Hack. No reproduction or other use of this material without the expressed written permission of the author.

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1 Comments:

At 11:09 AM, Blogger blogroller said...

As a temporarily permanent resident nearby Hangover,NH., I applaud your creative eloquence and imaginative depravity. Alum?

 

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